Somedays I wanna quit and just be normal for a bit
An extension of my last post:
I'm becoming more and more convinced that I don't really want to be here for the next 5 years. I'm not really sure what else I'd want to do in place of grad school, but I'm pretty sure right now it's pretty much crushing my soul or something.
At first I thought it was just that I needed a little time to get back into the swing of things as far as classes go. But the more time goes on, the more I realize I just don't want to be back in that swing.
There's a decent chance I'm going to fail one of my classes this semester. Not like "fail" fail, but like "C" fail, which is somehow just as bad. I don't really know the consequences if I don't, but apparently I'm supposed to get at least a B in all my classes. And if I do get a C, it'll mostly be because I just can't motivate myself to want to do better. I got into the habit of only working as hard as I wanted to last spring, and now I just can't really make myself care enough to work hard again.
I think part of it's just that I never really chose this as what I wanted to do. It was more that it was just as good an option as anything else. Like I said before, I don't love physics. I think I enjoy being good at it, but at this point I rarely get that benefit anymore. It just doesn't really excite me as much as I should probably want it to.
I would like to teach. That's the one aspect of what I've done that I truly have loved. I can say with certainty that if I could leave here today and get a job teaching somewhere, I would in a second. But, seeing as I kinda have to go through this if I want to teach, I'm torn.
I was looking at jobs today. Not with any intention of trying to get any of them, at least not in the immediate future, but I was kinda intrigued about what was out there.
I picked up The Office on DVD a little while ago, and after watching a few episodes I realized that there's some part of me that longs for that kind of mundane job. I like the normalcy of it. I like the thought of having a job that I could just leave behind when I'm done for the day. I'm sick of homework, to say the least. I like the idea of some sort of separation between my work and my life, and I don't really see myself having that kind of opportunity here anytime in the near future.
That said, it's not like I could really just walk away from this. I'm here for at least the rest of the year. And even then, it's not like I'd have any idea what else to do with my life.
It's not like I totally hate this, either. There are great days here. Admittedly, most of them involve the teaching side of things. But there are times when I don't really have a problem with class, too.
I don't know...I just feel like this isn't really what I wanted my life to be. Maybe because I never really wanted anything in particular.
I'm becoming more and more convinced that I don't really want to be here for the next 5 years. I'm not really sure what else I'd want to do in place of grad school, but I'm pretty sure right now it's pretty much crushing my soul or something.
At first I thought it was just that I needed a little time to get back into the swing of things as far as classes go. But the more time goes on, the more I realize I just don't want to be back in that swing.
There's a decent chance I'm going to fail one of my classes this semester. Not like "fail" fail, but like "C" fail, which is somehow just as bad. I don't really know the consequences if I don't, but apparently I'm supposed to get at least a B in all my classes. And if I do get a C, it'll mostly be because I just can't motivate myself to want to do better. I got into the habit of only working as hard as I wanted to last spring, and now I just can't really make myself care enough to work hard again.
I think part of it's just that I never really chose this as what I wanted to do. It was more that it was just as good an option as anything else. Like I said before, I don't love physics. I think I enjoy being good at it, but at this point I rarely get that benefit anymore. It just doesn't really excite me as much as I should probably want it to.
I would like to teach. That's the one aspect of what I've done that I truly have loved. I can say with certainty that if I could leave here today and get a job teaching somewhere, I would in a second. But, seeing as I kinda have to go through this if I want to teach, I'm torn.
I was looking at jobs today. Not with any intention of trying to get any of them, at least not in the immediate future, but I was kinda intrigued about what was out there.
I picked up The Office on DVD a little while ago, and after watching a few episodes I realized that there's some part of me that longs for that kind of mundane job. I like the normalcy of it. I like the thought of having a job that I could just leave behind when I'm done for the day. I'm sick of homework, to say the least. I like the idea of some sort of separation between my work and my life, and I don't really see myself having that kind of opportunity here anytime in the near future.
That said, it's not like I could really just walk away from this. I'm here for at least the rest of the year. And even then, it's not like I'd have any idea what else to do with my life.
It's not like I totally hate this, either. There are great days here. Admittedly, most of them involve the teaching side of things. But there are times when I don't really have a problem with class, too.
I don't know...I just feel like this isn't really what I wanted my life to be. Maybe because I never really wanted anything in particular.
posted by Mike at
2:14 AM
3 Comments:
Wow, man. That sucks. I had heard about grad school crushing your soul (and about the needing to get a B aspect...I mean, what's the point of grades if everyone has to get a B anyway?)...I hope it gets better, or you can find a way to get out/do something you really want to do. Do they offer a terminal master's degree?
Since I'm applying to grad school now I want to make sure I'm not entering a soul-crushing experience...if you had to do it again, what questions would you ask yourself?
I mean, I love history, but maybe you thought you loved physics...?
But as a nine-to-fiver, I can say that I don't particularly like that aspect of my job and it is one of the reasons going to grad school appeals to me. I love the separation of work and home, and having weekends (!) but I miss school. I miss having afternoons off to get to the post office if I need to. But seaweed is always greener, eh?
Anyhow, I hope it gets better, dude, however that happens. I think you'd make a great teacher and that might be reason enough to stick it out. I don't know how it works in physics, though...in history, you teach because you have to, and once you are writing your dissertation you don't teach at all, really. So you'd have a long road in history if you wanted a PhD but didn't want to research.
So yeah, long comment, but I hope it gets better. I like your soul and I don't want it crushed.
~Allison
By
Allison, at 6:50 PM
I'm not entirely sure how the master's program works, but I think it would probably require at least a year and a half of research.
I'm not really sure what I'd ask myself. Just make sure you're doing something that really interests you rather than doing it for lack of anything better to do. I wouldn't say I ever thought I loved physics. I don't think there was ever a point in my life where it was like "man, physics is what I really want to do." So, if you feel like history is what you really want to do, I think you'll be alright. For me it was more just something I could do, and there wasn't really anything else I really wanted to do.
I think physics and history work pretty much the same way as far as teaching and research go. At least in theory. Basically I'm only supposed to teach until I find a research group that can give me money. And I've really got nothing against research in and of itself, I just don't really feel like I get that much out of it either. I just know I'd much rather be teaching than doing research.
By
Mike, at 1:10 AM
You're welcome to join the Dayjob Posse, Minneapolis Chapter, if you like.
It has it's downsides. Not exactly too stimulating, dealing with people twice your age, etc, etc. But it has it's upsides, too. Nights spent socializing. Healthcare. Money. Nights free. Nights free. Nights free.
Maybe you need a break.
By
Jacob, at 3:28 PM
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