Somedays I wanna quit and just be normal for a bit
An extension of my last post:
I'm becoming more and more convinced that I don't really want to be here for the next 5 years. I'm not really sure what else I'd want to do in place of grad school, but I'm pretty sure right now it's pretty much crushing my soul or something.
At first I thought it was just that I needed a little time to get back into the swing of things as far as classes go. But the more time goes on, the more I realize I just don't want to be back in that swing.
There's a decent chance I'm going to fail one of my classes this semester. Not like "fail" fail, but like "C" fail, which is somehow just as bad. I don't really know the consequences if I don't, but apparently I'm supposed to get at least a B in all my classes. And if I do get a C, it'll mostly be because I just can't motivate myself to want to do better. I got into the habit of only working as hard as I wanted to last spring, and now I just can't really make myself care enough to work hard again.
I think part of it's just that I never really chose this as what I wanted to do. It was more that it was just as good an option as anything else. Like I said before, I don't love physics. I think I enjoy being good at it, but at this point I rarely get that benefit anymore. It just doesn't really excite me as much as I should probably want it to.
I would like to teach. That's the one aspect of what I've done that I truly have loved. I can say with certainty that if I could leave here today and get a job teaching somewhere, I would in a second. But, seeing as I kinda have to go through this if I want to teach, I'm torn.
I was looking at jobs today. Not with any intention of trying to get any of them, at least not in the immediate future, but I was kinda intrigued about what was out there.
I picked up The Office on DVD a little while ago, and after watching a few episodes I realized that there's some part of me that longs for that kind of mundane job. I like the normalcy of it. I like the thought of having a job that I could just leave behind when I'm done for the day. I'm sick of homework, to say the least. I like the idea of some sort of separation between my work and my life, and I don't really see myself having that kind of opportunity here anytime in the near future.
That said, it's not like I could really just walk away from this. I'm here for at least the rest of the year. And even then, it's not like I'd have any idea what else to do with my life.
It's not like I totally hate this, either. There are great days here. Admittedly, most of them involve the teaching side of things. But there are times when I don't really have a problem with class, too.
I don't know...I just feel like this isn't really what I wanted my life to be. Maybe because I never really wanted anything in particular.
I'm becoming more and more convinced that I don't really want to be here for the next 5 years. I'm not really sure what else I'd want to do in place of grad school, but I'm pretty sure right now it's pretty much crushing my soul or something.
At first I thought it was just that I needed a little time to get back into the swing of things as far as classes go. But the more time goes on, the more I realize I just don't want to be back in that swing.
There's a decent chance I'm going to fail one of my classes this semester. Not like "fail" fail, but like "C" fail, which is somehow just as bad. I don't really know the consequences if I don't, but apparently I'm supposed to get at least a B in all my classes. And if I do get a C, it'll mostly be because I just can't motivate myself to want to do better. I got into the habit of only working as hard as I wanted to last spring, and now I just can't really make myself care enough to work hard again.
I think part of it's just that I never really chose this as what I wanted to do. It was more that it was just as good an option as anything else. Like I said before, I don't love physics. I think I enjoy being good at it, but at this point I rarely get that benefit anymore. It just doesn't really excite me as much as I should probably want it to.
I would like to teach. That's the one aspect of what I've done that I truly have loved. I can say with certainty that if I could leave here today and get a job teaching somewhere, I would in a second. But, seeing as I kinda have to go through this if I want to teach, I'm torn.
I was looking at jobs today. Not with any intention of trying to get any of them, at least not in the immediate future, but I was kinda intrigued about what was out there.
I picked up The Office on DVD a little while ago, and after watching a few episodes I realized that there's some part of me that longs for that kind of mundane job. I like the normalcy of it. I like the thought of having a job that I could just leave behind when I'm done for the day. I'm sick of homework, to say the least. I like the idea of some sort of separation between my work and my life, and I don't really see myself having that kind of opportunity here anytime in the near future.
That said, it's not like I could really just walk away from this. I'm here for at least the rest of the year. And even then, it's not like I'd have any idea what else to do with my life.
It's not like I totally hate this, either. There are great days here. Admittedly, most of them involve the teaching side of things. But there are times when I don't really have a problem with class, too.
I don't know...I just feel like this isn't really what I wanted my life to be. Maybe because I never really wanted anything in particular.
posted by Mike at
2:14 AM
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3 comments
